How To Lose A Fat Girl

 

245.6!

That is how much I weighed on Friday March 9th.A lot of people are pretty secretive about what the number on their scale actually says. Aside from being ashamed I am not really sure why. I am significantly overweight and anyone who has actually seen me knows that. My highest weight ever was 248 pounds, not counting when I was pregnant. I am less than 3 pounds from my highest weight. How did that happen?

I think it’s pretty safe to say that my weight gain really started after my mom died. It was an incredibly sad and stressful time in my life. My life choices at the time were far from positive on my health. The thing about weight gain is that it happens so fast. Before I knew it instead of my normal 130 pounds there I was looking at 248 flashing back at me. Surely the scale was wrong, surely I had not managed to eat my way to 100 plus pounds overweight. I had been slim my whole life, I never would have imagined I would be waking up every day as a fat person. But there I was looking at that number. I was devastated.

People who have never actually been overweight just don’t get it. People have actually said to me to just lose the weight. If it was that simple, I am pretty sure there would be no fat people in the world. The reality is, it’s hard. It becomes so much more than just losing weight. There is a whole mental game that comes in to play. My biggest struggle is looking at the big picture. I look at what my goal is and think WOW that is a lot of weight to lose I can’t do that. It’s overwhelming and it’s scary.

weight2

I’ve lost weight before. Almost 50 pounds to be exact. I did that by simply watching my calories and exercising. I know I can do it again, I just need to get out of my own head. I need to believe I am worth it. I need to stop believing I can’t. And then I need those around me to hit me upside the head and say “DON’T EAT THAT FATTY!”

I feel like maybe I am ready to actually take this beast on head first and kick its ass once and for all. Why now? Well it could be the fact that I have a wedding to go to on Saturday and I have not one thing in my closet to wear to it. I have cried about that fact this last week or so more than I would like to admit. I have no one but myself to blame but it doesn’t make it suck any less. It could also be the fact that on Sunday afternoon I was putting my shoes on and it was unbelievably uncomfortable to bend over.

I really have enough reasons to be motivated. Aside from the fact that I just feel like crap. I have 2 little girls who will look up to me as an example as they get older. I have to be better for them. They deserve a mom who is healthy in every way. I cannot change a lot of the circumstances in my life but I can change this and it’s about time I actually do something about it. I don’t feel good about myself, I can’t wear the clothes I want to wear and I am so insecure and self-conscious that every where I go I am convinced everyone is looking at the fat girl. I recently had a friend tell me “I don’t know what you’re seeing in the mirror, but I’m not seeing the same thing.” I want to see myself the same way she does, but right now I don’t and it’s time to change that.

Just to be clear, I am not looking for diet advice. Maybe I am hoping by putting this out there and being totally transparent and vulnerable that it will be the push I need. Maybe. I have been doing some weight loss challenges with a group of friends who I love a whole lot. The support has been amazing. I’m incredibly thankful for all of them and I hope we continue to push, encourage and hold one another accountable. As for the rest of you, hold me accountable, go for walks with me, remind me I don’t need ice cream 18 nights a week!

It’s time to make some goals and rewards. It’s time to start trying to see myself the way other people do!

What motivates you?

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Finding Your People

“It’s nice to feel wanted!”

Earlier today Carly said those exact words to me.

Let me back up a little. When I was a growing up I always had a lot of friends. I had strong bonds with people I grew up with, went to school and church with. You sort of take for granted that those relationships will always be there. After my mom died I ended up moving to the Vancouver BC area. I needed a new start, I needed to find me and to find my path. That decision changed everything for me, most of it good. But there was some bad, the bad was learning how freaking hard it is to make friends as an adult. How hard it is to find people who get you and who genuinely want to be a part of your life. When we lived in Boston I met some really great people, but when we left Boston and came back west to Portland I struggled to connect with people. Now let me be clear, I have some amazing people in my life. Some of the people who mean the most to me are relationships that came at the most unexpected times and in the most unexpected places. On a boat at a wedding, on a weight loss site, on twitter while tweeting about big brother. A year ago I reconnected with one of my best friends after being out of touch for at least 13 years and now we talk daily thanks to apps that allow us to stay connected. I had a friendship happen out of the blue when I was pregnant with Audrey with a friend who I had known since I was about 16 years old. We were more acquaintances with a mutual friend connecting us. Then about 4 years ago we just happened, that friendship was almost ended by a crock pot. True story!

While all of those people mean a whole lot to me its hard not to have that in person connection. I have friends here in Oregon, but I have never felt wanted. No one was knocking on my door, inviting me for drinks or dinner etc. After a while being the person to always initiate becomes tiresome. So I gave up trying. It’s no secret that I am shy and incredibly insecure. I became convinced that nobody wanted to be friends with the fat girl and so on. When I had Audrey I felt so isolated. I grew tired of seeing posts on fb of people going to happy hour and having girls nights and parties around the holidays and I was never included. As hurt as I sometimes was I came to the realization that if people didn’t invite me or want me around that they just weren’t worth my time or energy. In the past year or so (after the previously mentioned crock pot incident) I really had to reevaluate what it is that I want in a friend, who I want in my life and around my kids. I had to take a hard look at myself and make some changes. As much as I need good people in my life I needed to be the same for others. I had a longtime friend end our friendship about a month before Lauren was born. It was via email and it was devastating for me. It came out of the blue and it completely tore me down as a person. It was awful. I let that email and those words play over and over again in my head, I let those words convince me she was right. For a time I believed it. For a time I allowed those words to break me down and affect my ability or desire to seek out any friendships old or new. I will be the first to admit my many flaws and that I am probably not the greatest friend. I’m loud, stubborn, awkward, opinionated and a host of other things. But what I also am is fiercely loyal and love those in my life really really hard. Sometimes it takes a little bit of work to get past the surface and see that part of me but it totally exists, I swear!

Finding your people is hard. Finding your people who are in the same stage of life as you is really hard. People always talk about finding your tribe. I feel like I am finally starting to have that in all areas. I recently met my mom other half. Completely unexpected but totally awesome. Maybe it was the near death experience (ok that’s probably an exaggeration) by a swarm of angry bees outside our kids school or maybe it’s the fact we are both incredibly loud. Either way, we get each other and she doesn’t judge my messy house and sink full of dishes AND she brings me coffee. Like Carly said “it’s nice to feel wanted.”

Now that I am the wise old age of 40 I feel like I am finally starting to figure it out. I know the kind of people I want in my corner. You all know who you are, some I have mentioned here and some I haven’t. But I love you all an incredible amount. Life is hard, being a mom is hard, all of it is hard and we all need a tribe of women beside us. We all need someone to laugh with and cry with and to sometimes eat cheese and drink wine with or sit up till after 3 am chatting about everything and anything.

How did you find your tribe? What do your friendships look like now compared to other times in your life?

 

Being A Mom Without A Mom

When I was growing up, I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would have to do life without my mom. I think we all get into the mindset that those we love will always be there. My mom and I were very close, even in the midst of my teen years and my rebellion and attitude. She loved me through it all. When you’re 18 years old, you don’t think you will have to go through the rest of your life without your mom. You expect her to be there for college, your wedding, and the birth of your kids. The list goes on.

When I started my 18th year I had no idea that by the time the year was over it would be the worst year of my life. The 4 or so years that followed weren’t any better, in fact they were very dark. By the grace of God I found my way to a better and happier place.

I think about her a lot. I always have. But since I have had kids I have missed her more than ever. From pregnancy…to giving birth to Audrey and Lauren…to now, there isn’t a day I don’t wonder what it would be like to be able to call her up and ask her advice, ask her what I was like at this age and how she handled this and that. The thing about losing her so young is that she wasn’t here into my adulthood to share that stuff with me. Share her memories of my childhood. She isn’t here to fill in the blanks and it sucks. She isn’t here to tell me that in spite of all the frustration of having a full blown threenager and feeling like a giant failure much of the time that I am indeed doing a good job. It’s hard and sometimes even at 40 years old, you just want your mom to tell you that you’ve got this. There really isn’t a manual on how you became an adult and a wife and a mom, and without your mom, you just have to figure it out.

Lately Audrey has become more and more aware of things and who is who in her life etc. I know that it’s only a matter of time before she starts asking why I don’t have a mommy. I know it will be hard to explain it to her and I am not looking forward to it. What I do know is that I want her to know that her Grandma was a pretty amazing lady. She was quiet but she loved her family fiercly. She made me laugh. She taught me how to love others. She taught me compassion. She taught me what it means to be strong. I don’t know what my future holds. I do know that if my girls ever have to go through what I did I want them to have things to look back on to remember. The one thing I have that my mom didn’t is technology. Sure–she may have kept a journal and she took pictures, but it isn’t the same as the way we can record everything these days.

I’m not really sure where I intended to go with this post. It’s been on my heart for a while, but now that I have actually tried to sit down and put my thoughts down it just feels really disjointed. I’ve actually written and deleted this 4 times now. I guess one of the things I wanted with this blog was to be completely transparent, vulnerable, and raw. Motherhood is so many amazing things–but it’s also hard, exhauasting and emotional. And without my own mom here to walk me through it, those things are magnified times 1000. I am not going to sugarcoat it.

Today we have digital cameras, computers, cellphones, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, blogs, etc. It is so easy to capture every moment, good or bad. We post every milestone or every funny thing our kids say. I can pretty much find every picture I have ever taken of my girls in minutes. They will have a lifetime of memories to share with their own kids. I don’t have that and it sucks. I hope this blog is a place one day they can look back on and see the stories and struggles I went through at different stages of their lives. I hope when they have kids of their own and their 3 year old spits in their face (yes, that happened today) that they will know how to handle it and realise being a mom is hard–but so is being 3.

I never thought I would be a mom without a mom, but here I am. My mom taught me a lot in the 18 years I had her here. Aside from documenting my kids lives in a way she couldnt, I hope I can be half the mom she was. I was lucky to have her, and I hope one day my kids feel the same way about me and God willing they won’t need this blog or anything else to learn about their childhood.


 

 

Balancing Act

5 months ago I started this blog, and I’ve struggled ever since to find it’s direction. So it has sat here vacant for months. I have come to the conclusion that maybe I don’t need a specific direction. Maybe it’s okay for it to be a little bit of everything. So for now I am back. For now I am here to just write about whatever it is that is floating around my head on any given day. That could be a good or a bad thing, you decide!

As a stay at home mom of two young kids (3 years old and 19 months) I have been really struggling with balance lately. I am not a planner and I am not organized. This just makes trying to balance things even harder. Between meals, crafts, naps, keeping the house clean, spending time with Chris (what’s a date?), laundry, exercising, gymboree, school and church–there’s a lot going on. Some people are natural planners and organizers. I am a natural “let’s let future Evey take care of it” type. Actually now that I think about it, maybe I am a planner, maybe the problem is more the follow through. Every night before I go to sleep I set my alarm so I can get up to exercise, make coffee and prepare for the day. Every day I plan to do crafts with the girls, to read with them, to paint with them. It just all gets away from me. Balance, I need to figure it out.

My girls deserve more from me and I deserve more from myself. So…where do I begin? At the top of my list is to make a list. I don’t do lists. I never have. Maybe that’s the problem. I don’t know how many times I have been at the grocery store and Chris has asked me if we need a certain item and my answer is always, “I don’t know!?!” Why don’t I know? Because I didn’t make a list, of course. Logic would tell most normal people to make a list for the next time. Not me, I don’t need a list. Sigh!

With the New Year creeping up on us ever so quickly, maybe this should be my first of many changes to make this coming year. And maybe instead of waiting till January to start I will start now. I want balance so I better make a list. Stay tuned. And if any of you have great advice and ideas on balance please let me know.

1. Make a list

2. Follow through

 

The Peepening!

“Potty training was the worst experience of my life.”

“Potty training is the best birth control.”

I dreaded it. For years all I heard from friends and family was how terrible and hard potty training was. Traumatic! Agonizing! Awful! I. Was. Petrified. Thankfully, I had a good friend who calmed my nerves and told me how she potty trained her two kids. I took her advice and vowed to take the journey in the least stressful way possible.

We bought Audrey a potty almost a year ago. For a long time it just sat in our bathroom downstairs and she really had no interest. Eventually…she was curious. She started just randomly sitting on it at times–and funny enough–the first time she sat on it she pooped a little! Every time she did even the littlest bit of something, I jumped around and celebrated like a crazy person. We had a timer that I would set during the day every 30 minutes or so and I would have her sit on the potty for a few minutes. Most of the time nothing happened and sometimes she refused. I never forced her. Not one time.

I slacked off for quite a few months with the timer thing and encouraging her to try sitting on the potty. I was always so distracted by Lauren who was always needing me for something or other. Once I decided to start trying again, Audrey had zero interest. I was frustrated at first but then once I thought about it I quickly realized that wasn’t going to help either one of us. So I let it go–Frozen style! When she was ready she would let us know.

A few weeks went by without even looking at her potty. Then a few months ago she was sitting on the couch one morning watching a show and she just looked at me very matter of factly and said, “Momma, I want to go peepee on da potty!” Um…OKAY let’s GO!!! So to the potty we went. She excitedly exclaimed, “Momma, I’m peepening!” The next week she peed on the potty on a regular basis. No prompting by us whatsoever. When she had to go, she told us and she went. Before long she was asking to go first thing in the morning and right before bed. After a week of peeing on the potty and having a dry pull-up all day, she told her teacher at Kids Church that she had to go potty. Huge step for her–to not only not go in her pull-up–but to tell someone who wasn’t me or Chris that she had to go. That night we took her to the store to pick out her own underwear. Of course, she picked Frozen. The next morning for the first time we put our big girl in underwear and off we went.

Poop took a while to master. She either went in her underwear or she waited till she had a pull-up on. But our reward and sticker system worked and eventually she just got it. We only ever had one poop accident outside of the house. Not bad if you ask me!

We are using her sticker chart and rewards for a few more weeks but even now we are fairly confident she is full speed ahead as a big girl. She hasn’t had an accident of any sort in weeks. She poops on the potty like a pro and doesn’t even need our help when she goes pee anymore. In the past week we have stopped putting a pull-up on at naptime and she is currently only wearing a pullup at bedtime. Even then in the last 3 weeks or so she has only had a wet pullup one morning. She goes potty right before bed and even wakes us up in the middle of the night! (Yay? I think?)

We couldn’t be more proud of our big girl!

My advice to those of you who have not yet entered the land of potty training is to not force it. I would highly recommend introducing it early around 20 to 24 months. But just let them explore. Don’t pressure them. Let them get comfortable with the idea of it and when they’re ready they will do it. No sense in traumatizing everyone in the process.

So what are your tips and tricks? What advice would you offer others getting ready to take this step?

Where’s Audrey?

A few weeks ago–Fathers Day to be exact–I thought we lost Audrey. She’s at that age when she feels independent. She thinks she can walk off on her own, doesn’t want to be in the shopping cart or hold your hand etc. She’s a big girl and she wants you to know it. In a lot of ways this is a good thing…but in a lot of ways it isn’t and it can be very frustrating.

It was a beautiful warm and sunny day. Not a cloud in the sky. After church everyone was gathered outside eating sliders, root beer floats, racing remote control cars and hitting balls on a putting green. All around were conversations going on and kids laughing and playing. Audrey was sitting on a little cement step right behind Chris. I was holding Lauren and turned around for literally 5 seconds or less to throw something in the garbage and when I turned back around Audrey was no longer sitting there. At first I wasn’t worried. She had been obsessed with the putting green and the remote control cars so I assumed she was just right there. But as we looked in those two places she was nowhere to be found.

Now in my mind I knew she couldn’t have gone far. It is a rather large property and she couldn’t have covered that much ground. She could have gone inside the building. She could have been running around with some other kids. But as I stood back from the crowd of people and couldn’t see her anywhere, panic started to set in. With each pan of the crowd of people my heart started to race a little more. My hands were shaking. Where was she? It was the longest two minutes of my life! I have never felt that sort of fear. I felt sick to my stomach. Where was she? Just as I was about to lose it, the guy Chris had been talking to motioned over to me that she was over playing in the bushes next to the building right behind where she has been sitting. The bushes were just tall enough that we couldn’t see her. Seeing the little girl bound towards me was the best feeling I have felt in a long time. I then quickly felt anger and I sternly called her by her full name. She had a look of “what’s wrong momma” and I told her not to ever run off like that again. She probably thought we were being silly considering she knew where she was and probably could see us the entire time. My heart probably didn’t return to its normal rhythm for at least a half hour, same with my shaking hands.

It was only two minutes–but man it scared me. I cannot imagine either of them actually going missing. It was the worst feeling of my life. We have been having talks more and more about how she needs to stay with us and hold our hands etc. The more she grows and the more independent she gets the more anxiety it gives me.

How do you keep your kids safe and within your reach when you are out and about?

Big Brother Time!!

Well it’s the most wonderful time of year…

Summer!

And summer means Big Brother. It means starting tonight (well, really tomorrow night once the live feeds are turned on) I will be obsessed with all things Big Brother. Live feeds, BB After Dark, and of course the three weekly episodes. Also, gotta keep on top of things BB via Twitter and the internet which includes my go to site–Hamsterwatch.com. Go ahead, judge me all you want. I have NO shame, I love BB!!

Tonight is the season premiere, which means since I’m on the west coast it is not live. So I will need to stay off Twitter until later tonight when we’ve had a chance to watch. But before I do I wanted to do a little pre-show player rankings. It’s always fun to rank them off of first impression and see how wrong you were as the season moves along. First impressions don’t always tell the whole story, so I will most certainly be wrong on a lot of these. The order I have these listed is based on nothing more than the order I watched their interviews in.

First up–I need to address the rumor that Paul from last season will be returning. A lot of people don’t like when former house guests return. For the most part I don’t mind it. I would prefer an All Stars season. But for now a returnee here and there–specially if it’s someone I liked–then I am cool with it. As for Paul specifically, I HATED him in the first few weeks of last season. But as time went on he really grew on me and by the end of the season he was one of my favorites. He played a great game (IMO) and he made me laugh all of the time. So if Paul is indeed back then all I have to say is FRIENDSHIP!

Dominique – I honestly had a really hard time deciding what I thought about her. She seems really nice and her interview made me laugh. But I can’t decide if people will like her or if she is going to be all attitude and get herself in trouble like Da’Vonne in her first season. Totally torn on this one.

Cody – Totally bored me to death. I feel like he will end up making it far just because he will probably be good at challenges. Outside of that I just didn’t get much from him. Yawn!

Josh – First impression tells me he is in a little bit of trouble. He seems like he will be full speed ahead and his mouth will get him into hot water…quickly.

Mark – Totally loved his interview with Jeff. He is cute and seems really sweet and I felt a little connection to him cause his mom died when he was 17. Mine died when I was 18. And he used to be a fatty, another thing we have in common. I have a good feeling about him that he will go far for a few reasons:
1. He is big and strong, he will do well in physical challenges.
2. He seems like a genuinely nice guy and I think it will take him far. He did say he has a soft spot for the ladies so this could ultimately get him in trouble down the line. We shall see what happens.

Megan – Her laugh! Nope! I was a fan of Rachel on her seasons but not that laugh! Megan seems to have potential to make me just as crazy. However she seems pretty well-rounded with the ability to connect with a lot of different types of people.

Ramses – Right away he was really hyper and over the top to me. He seems pretty genuine and sweet so I see some potential there for him to do well. It will really depend on how he connects with some of the girls because I feel like that type of friendship (not showmance) to help him along. It doesn’t feel he will fit in with most of the guys. However he also has the potential for to be well liked like Ian and Steve were in their seasons. That worked out pretty good for those two. Sometimes being the loveable nerd goes a long way.

Jason AKA Whistlenut – He seems really nice and was super charming in his interview. However, that’s where it stopped for me. I mean don’t get me wrong, I like him. But he’s never even seen BB and that just never sits well with me. That being said he is high energy and definitely seems like he will make the live feeds fun while he is in there.

Elena – I like her. But I do not have to live in a house with her. It will be interesting to see how she connects with others. I feel like she is totally a love her or hate her type of person. She seems like a good talker and that can always be a really strong characteristic in BB.

Cameron – Another one I really liked. Nerdy but not. He seems like a really good guy and really passionate. He could care less what America thinks about him and I love that. I think he makes it pretty far.

Kevin – Ok so this guy made me laugh. I am always all for an older cast member doing well and making it far in this game. Didn’t work out so well for Glenn last year. Haha! Kevin seems entertaining with stories upon stories to regale us with daily on the feeds etc. I might be totally wrong but I think he is going to do really well socially. Ultimately I feel his age will be his downfall in really connecting and forming a strong alliance but I still think he will be well liked.

Raven – Okay, she will probably need to tone down the perky a little bit for me to get to have any deeper of an opinon formed of her. But like I said first impressions aren’t always right. I felt the same way about Meg in BB17 and she ended up being one of my favorites. But for now I will reserve my opinion on Raven. Too perky for me!

Jillian – Another one who literally bored me to death in her interview with Jeff. Zero substance. I envision her being the girl who cries a lot and plays the victim. Not a fan!

Alex – Nope! Something about her I just didn’t like. Hopefully with some of these people once I see them on the feeds for a week or so my opinions will change when I see a little bit more of who they are. For now though Alex is at the bottom of my list! And seriously she didn’t even know Jeff was JEFF when he was interviewing her.

Matthew – Cute. Nice. Funny. personable. I think he does well. I think the girls will definitely like him and I think he will fit in well with the other guys.

Jessica – I am totally on the fence about Jessica. She is really confident, perhaps overly confident. She is already talking about winning this season and then next season being All Stars and winning that. Let’s pump the brakes a little! She talks a lot, if she can back it up she may do very well.

Christmas – “I’m going to let the loud ones take each other out to begin with!” Yes yes YES! The loud ones always send themselves packing right off the bat. I like Christmas a lot. I like how she talks about her life, her family and her dog. She seems pretty well-rounded with a lot of life experience. I absolutely love her energy and I think she goes far!

With all of that being said my rankings based off of the pre season cast interviews:

1 Christmas
2 Mark
3 Megan
4 Cameron
5 Elena
6 Matthew
7 Jessica
8 Dominique
9 Ramses
10 Kevin
11 Raven
12 Cody
13 Alex
14 Jillian
15 Josh
16 Jason

IF Paul is indeed back for this season then I would rank him after Christmas! Super excited for the season premiere tonight. I will have to stay off of Twitter and Facebook until we watch later this evening. Looking forward to looking back on this post and seeing how wrong I was about every single person. Haha