That is how much I weighed on Friday March 9th.A lot of people are pretty secretive about what the number on their scale actually says. Aside from being ashamed I am not really sure why. I am significantly overweight and anyone who has actually seen me knows that. My highest weight ever was 248 pounds, not counting when I was pregnant. I am less than 3 pounds from my highest weight. How did that happen?
I think it’s pretty safe to say that my weight gain really started after my mom died. It was an incredibly sad and stressful time in my life. My life choices at the time were far from positive on my health. The thing about weight gain is that it happens so fast. Before I knew it instead of my normal 130 pounds there I was looking at 248 flashing back at me. Surely the scale was wrong, surely I had not managed to eat my way to 100 plus pounds overweight. I had been slim my whole life, I never would have imagined I would be waking up every day as a fat person. But there I was looking at that number. I was devastated.
People who have never actually been overweight just don’t get it. People have actually said to me to just lose the weight. If it was that simple, I am pretty sure there would be no fat people in the world. The reality is, it’s hard. It becomes so much more than just losing weight. There is a whole mental game that comes in to play. My biggest struggle is looking at the big picture. I look at what my goal is and think WOW that is a lot of weight to lose I can’t do that. It’s overwhelming and it’s scary.
I’ve lost weight before. Almost 50 pounds to be exact. I did that by simply watching my calories and exercising. I know I can do it again, I just need to get out of my own head. I need to believe I am worth it. I need to stop believing I can’t. And then I need those around me to hit me upside the head and say “DON’T EAT THAT FATTY!”
I feel like maybe I am ready to actually take this beast on head first and kick its ass once and for all. Why now? Well it could be the fact that I have a wedding to go to on Saturday and I have not one thing in my closet to wear to it. I have cried about that fact this last week or so more than I would like to admit. I have no one but myself to blame but it doesn’t make it suck any less. It could also be the fact that on Sunday afternoon I was putting my shoes on and it was unbelievably uncomfortable to bend over.
I really have enough reasons to be motivated. Aside from the fact that I just feel like crap. I have 2 little girls who will look up to me as an example as they get older. I have to be better for them. They deserve a mom who is healthy in every way. I cannot change a lot of the circumstances in my life but I can change this and it’s about time I actually do something about it. I don’t feel good about myself, I can’t wear the clothes I want to wear and I am so insecure and self-conscious that every where I go I am convinced everyone is looking at the fat girl. I recently had a friend tell me “I don’t know what you’re seeing in the mirror, but I’m not seeing the same thing.” I want to see myself the same way she does, but right now I don’t and it’s time to change that.
Just to be clear, I am not looking for diet advice. Maybe I am hoping by putting this out there and being totally transparent and vulnerable that it will be the push I need. Maybe. I have been doing some weight loss challenges with a group of friends who I love a whole lot. The support has been amazing. I’m incredibly thankful for all of them and I hope we continue to push, encourage and hold one another accountable. As for the rest of you, hold me accountable, go for walks with me, remind me I don’t need ice cream 18 nights a week!
It’s time to make some goals and rewards. It’s time to start trying to see myself the way other people do!
What motivates you?