When I was growing up, I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would have to do life without my mom. I think we all get into the mindset that those we love will always be there. My mom and I were very close, even in the midst of my teen years and my rebellion and attitude. She loved me through it all. When you’re 18 years old, you don’t think you will have to go through the rest of your life without your mom. You expect her to be there for college, your wedding, and the birth of your kids. The list goes on.
When I started my 18th year I had no idea that by the time the year was over it would be the worst year of my life. The 4 or so years that followed weren’t any better, in fact they were very dark. By the grace of God I found my way to a better and happier place.
I think about her a lot. I always have. But since I have had kids I have missed her more than ever. From pregnancy…to giving birth to Audrey and Lauren…to now, there isn’t a day I don’t wonder what it would be like to be able to call her up and ask her advice, ask her what I was like at this age and how she handled this and that. The thing about losing her so young is that she wasn’t here into my adulthood to share that stuff with me. Share her memories of my childhood. She isn’t here to fill in the blanks and it sucks. She isn’t here to tell me that in spite of all the frustration of having a full blown threenager and feeling like a giant failure much of the time that I am indeed doing a good job. It’s hard and sometimes even at 40 years old, you just want your mom to tell you that you’ve got this. There really isn’t a manual on how you became an adult and a wife and a mom, and without your mom, you just have to figure it out.
Lately Audrey has become more and more aware of things and who is who in her life etc. I know that it’s only a matter of time before she starts asking why I don’t have a mommy. I know it will be hard to explain it to her and I am not looking forward to it. What I do know is that I want her to know that her Grandma was a pretty amazing lady. She was quiet but she loved her family fiercly. She made me laugh. She taught me how to love others. She taught me compassion. She taught me what it means to be strong. I don’t know what my future holds. I do know that if my girls ever have to go through what I did I want them to have things to look back on to remember. The one thing I have that my mom didn’t is technology. Sure–she may have kept a journal and she took pictures, but it isn’t the same as the way we can record everything these days.
I’m not really sure where I intended to go with this post. It’s been on my heart for a while, but now that I have actually tried to sit down and put my thoughts down it just feels really disjointed. I’ve actually written and deleted this 4 times now. I guess one of the things I wanted with this blog was to be completely transparent, vulnerable, and raw. Motherhood is so many amazing things–but it’s also hard, exhauasting and emotional. And without my own mom here to walk me through it, those things are magnified times 1000. I am not going to sugarcoat it.
Today we have digital cameras, computers, cellphones, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, blogs, etc. It is so easy to capture every moment, good or bad. We post every milestone or every funny thing our kids say. I can pretty much find every picture I have ever taken of my girls in minutes. They will have a lifetime of memories to share with their own kids. I don’t have that and it sucks. I hope this blog is a place one day they can look back on and see the stories and struggles I went through at different stages of their lives. I hope when they have kids of their own and their 3 year old spits in their face (yes, that happened today) that they will know how to handle it and realise being a mom is hard–but so is being 3.
I never thought I would be a mom without a mom, but here I am. My mom taught me a lot in the 18 years I had her here. Aside from documenting my kids lives in a way she couldnt, I hope I can be half the mom she was. I was lucky to have her, and I hope one day my kids feel the same way about me and God willing they won’t need this blog or anything else to learn about their childhood.