One night a while back we decided to make tater tot casserole for dinner. My kids are 6 and 8 and love tater tots etc. so I figured they would love it. I don’t think I have ever been more wrong about anything in my life. In fact, it may go down in history as one of the worst things I have ever done. You might think that I am exaggerating, but believe you me, I am not. There were tears, theirs, not mine. It was the worst thing that’s happened to them in their young lives. They suffered through every bite as if it was a form of torture we were using to punish them. As you would expect, I have not made it since, although I would like to clarify that it was delicious.
They have their favorites that we eat pretty regularly. Brinner is a big hit in our house. That’s breakfast for dinner for those of you who haven’t heard that term. Bacon, scrambled eggs and waffles/pancakes. Strawberries or bananas are sometimes added in as toppings. Both of them will usually devour this and ask for more. Basic beef enchiladas, spaghetti and meatballs. Although neither like to eat the sauce and meatballs with the spaghetti. The noodles are eaten with just butter separate from the meatballs. Taco Tuesday is a regular thing although my oldest has recently decided she doesn’t like tacos. Kielbasa with angel hair pasta and zucchini is another favorite. After this it’s hit or miss. The other night I made teriyaki chicken with rice because my youngest has teriyaki beef bowls at school sometimes and loves it. Well as expected, she did not like it. AT ALL!
To make my life even more difficult neither one of them are fans of the easy kid food that we all like to make from time to time for convenience when we need a quick dinner. Mac and cheese, hot dogs/corn dogs. Even pizza is hit or miss. Basically, what I am saying is, HELP!
What are your go to foods and tips to get your kids to eat good dinners. How do you get them to try new things? And to clarify they love fruits and veggies, thankfully. But I just feel in such a dinner rut, and I am tired of making the same things all the time.
Also, if you are reading this please take a moment to leave me a comment!
Guys, parenting is HARD!! Like really REALLY hard! And gross, sometimes it is really gross. For example, the photo below is of my six year old almost asleep on my bed because she wasn’t feeling well.
Minutes later, she, along with my bed and sheets were covered in vomit. It happened so fast and before I had a chance to get her to the bathroom it soaked through the sheets and to the mattress. It was chaos, there she was standing in her own vomit, I’m yelling at the dogs to get out while simultaneously yelling at my eight-year-old to get me towels. Finally with Lauren in the shower and the vomit mess of sheets and towels and clothes in the other bathtub I was left with the task of figuring out how exactly to go about cleaning my mattress. I’m not going to lie; I thought about tossing it out the window and lighting it on fire. But i didn’t because that would clearly be insane. Instead, I soaked it up the best I could with towels and got my carpet cleaner. Yes, my carpet cleaner. I didn’t have any other options that would make me feel good about going to bed later that night. Was it conventional? No. But it worked. In the meantime, the tiny human who created the mess in the first place by expelling every last bit of her stomach contents, (seriously she isn’t that big, where does it come from) was in the shower singing her heart out. After some Zofran and time relaxing on the couch watching tennis and hockey with daddy, she was off to bed and slept the whole night and is back to herself this morning. Now I just wait with an impending sense of doom for my eight-year-old to take her turn. I don’t want to even think of it taking over my body because I can’t think of many things, I hate more than throwing up.
The last few years have been a real struggle with my oldest in a lot of different ways. She is very stubborn like her mama. She is fiery and has a temper like her mama. But she is also really sweet and sensitive and feels things really big, like her mama. We have been really working on how to deal with big feelings. It’s been hard, some days I just want to throw my hands up and give up. But then I remember how it has felt to have people give up on me and I don’t ever want her to feel that, especially not by me. So, we keep going. Once she learns to harness all of the things that go on in her head and to utilize her energy etc. she is going to do big things.
Yesterday I was talking with a friend who was defending herself for feeling so frustrated with her kids. Guys let me tell you something, she has raised four boys, two of whom are autistic. That is hard, parenting is HARD. Bringing tiny humans into this world and raising them is HARD. We should never have to feel we aren’t good enough or that we are failing because sometimes it is too much. As women we need to love each other better and lift each other up whether our kids puke all over our bed or they have us so frazzled we feel like failures. We aren’t. If we are getting up every day and trying to be better than the one before then I think we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing.
And let me share something else with you. When we are struggling, we are always so quick to want to go to the friend who seems to have it all together. Spoiler alert, no one has it all together and the ones that act like they do are probably struggling more than you could imagine. Some of my best advice has come from friends who aren’t even in the same stratosphere as me as far as life and kids etc. Sometimes those people are the best to give advice because it doesn’t come from their own ideas of how they raised their own kids. It comes from a completely nonbiased point of view. Let’s not forget about those people in our lives, you might just be missing out on some really good stuff.
I don’t tell you all of this to ruin whatever meal you may be eating as you read this, or to make you not want children, but to remind you that in the midst of the hard and the gross is a lot of really amazing things. All of the bad and gross are worth the good and rewarding things that come from raising tiny humans.
I guess my point in all this is that I love my kids, vomit is gross, and parenting is hard.
Guys I really cannot believe that it is 2023! It seems like each year is passing quicker than the last. Isn’t that what they say happens when you get older? As I was sitting down and thinking about what I wanted to write in this post I started to have words come to my mind like growth, connection and gratitude.
Growth:
Let’s start with growth. I am a little past a year since I started seeing my therapist. It has been such a good experience for me in so many ways. She has opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn’t even know was an issue in my life. She has helped me learn new ways to communicate and express myself. I know a lot of people out there who poo poo mental health issues and criticize the use of medication and so on. I could not disagree with this more. My therapist has helped me so much and my anxiety meds have changed my entire life. Events that have happened just in the last few months between Chris losing his job and some other things that I have really been struggling with almost made me retreat back into myself, but I have grown enough this past year to see and recognize that I deserve to be seen and heard. No matter what. Growth!
Connection: Human connection is a deep bond that’s formed between people when they feel seen and valued.
I never had a problem making friends growing up. I was shy but was always able to find my people. Making friends in new places as an adult is so freaking hard. Thankfully Audrey starting preschool allowed me to meet some amazing people. A few of which are some of my very best friends, the fact our kids are friends is a bonus. The girl’s playing soccer has brought even more amazing friends into our lives. When we found our church 6 years ago my shyness and my self-confidence really made it hard for me to feel like i belonged. I felt like a middle schooler trying to figure out who may or may not like me. I found a way to convince myself that no one would want to be friends with the fat girl. The lies we tell ourselves. Add social anxiety to the mix and it’s a disaster. It wasn’t until this most recent season of life that we find ourselves in that I realized that the connection I thought I was missing was there all along. The way our friends, family and our church has loved us through a very difficult time really opened my eyes to the things I maybe didn’t see or believe. I haven’t always felt worthy of being loved but what I am realizing is that I am, and those that are supposed to will love me well. And when I see I am worthy of that connection the connections themselves grow and flourish.
Something I started this past year was a gratitude journal. A friend suggested it as a way to keep focused on the positives in my life instead of the heavy stuff I have been through the last four4 plus years and really a lot of my adult life. Gratitude is powerful. There are some days it is as simple as listing two or three things that I am grateful for in that moment. Other times it is a full page about one specific thing. When Chris lost his job, it was devastating for us, financially and otherwise. It was scary, we suddenly didn’t know how we would pay our rent and feed our kids if his unemployment lasted any significant period of time. What I quickly realized was how much God had us in that because friends, family and our church stepped up for us in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I was able to remain grateful during a really dark time for our family. That lesson for me was huge because I have so often struggled to remain grateful during storms.
With that being said, there was some really dark and hard stuff in 2022. But there was also some really amazing stuff. Zoo trips, beach trips, rock hunting, starting first and third grade, birthday parties 2 epic weeks at vbs, amazing soccer seasons (spring and fall), summer soccer camp, performing with Hope Kids at Christmas, Great Wolf Lodge and an epic camping trip to Wallowa Lake and we can’t wait to go back. Lauren learning to ride her bike without training wheels. Chris and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary with Michael Buble. And of course sledding up at Mt. Hood!
There was a lot of good and I am thankful and looking forward to all the good 2023 has to offer.
After a longer hiatus than I planned I am back and hopefully with some consistency. Partly I was absent because I didn’t have a decent working laptop the last year or so. Partly I just didn’t feel the desire to sit down and write. That was hard for me because writing has always been therapy for me and I feel I am ready to get back at it.
I have long struggled with the direction that I want this blog to go. Part of me wants to keep it as a myriad of topics with a focus on my never ending weight loss journey and raising my kids. In this moment I really don’t know. I think I will just play it by ear and see where it leads me. I would however love to hear from those of you who read this what kind of things you want to hear from me.
Over the past four plus years I have been navigating some really hard stuff. While doing that I have struggled to put my health first, my goals first and really myself at all. My focus has been on everything but me. Add in being a full time stay at home mom and my plate is always full. I think maybe, I can admit that committing to a change like weight loss is hard and maybe I have allowed the other stuff to be a distraction. But that has to stop because lets be honest I am turning 45 in a few months and I have two little girls who need their mom here and healthy.
I am not a fan of diet culture and all the fads that have been with us for years and the new ones that are always popping up. Fad diets are just that, fads! I am not interested in committing to something that has an end and then having all my hard work go up in smoke the second I decide to eat like a normal human again. For me it has to be about mental changes and just good day to day decisions to work out, walk my dogs and make better choices in what and when I eat. I’ve done it before and I will do it again. Hopefully a year from now I can look back on this post as a starting point of long term and successful changes.
My good friend Angela and I have long been trying encourage each other and trying to push each other in the right direction and we have decided to embark on a 31 day challenge for the month of December. we haven’t nailed down the details yet but stay tuned and I will keep you updated as we go.
I am excited to be back and I hope you will all stick around for what’s next!!
This was a hard post for me to write. It took me a while and will likely be long so please bear with me.
July 7th, 2002. Chris and I had been dating for 6 months. We decided to head in to Seattle to celebrate. Chris was 24 years old, spent his whole life in the Seattle area and had somehow never been up to the top of the Space Needle. He seemed to think that I was going to be the one to share this experience with him for the first time. I basically laughed in his face and said “yeah right” at the mere suggestion. I am afraid of heights. Like, legit terrified. So we proceeded to spend what felt like hours sitting at the base of the Space Needle discussing this. He begged and pleaded and I wouldn’t budge. Finally he asked what he could do to convince me. After some thought it came to me. Chris was allergic to dogs. Allergic to the point where he told me he would likely never have one. I am a major dog lover and the thought of never having one was just not an option for me. So I told him that if he promised me that one day we could get a dog I would go up with him. I don’t know if he just thought I wouldn’t hold him to his promise, but he agreed. And so that day I got in that awful elevator on the outside of a freaking building and allowed it to take me to over 500 feet above ground to a place with a revolving glass floor. It was awful and terrifying but I REALLY love dogs. Chris got what he wanted—and whether he realized it or not—I was going to get that dog someday.
Fast forward to February 14th, 2004. I was woken up that day by Chris telling me we should start looking for a dog. Happy Valentines Day to me! I immediately jumped on Pet Finder and started my search. It didn’t take long before I saw her.
She was a small Black Lab mix, approx 10 months old. She had been found wandering the mean streets of Wenatchee, Washington. She had been there about 5 days at that point, and nobody had come looking for her. We immediately called the shelter to ask if she was still available and if we could come meet her. We made an appointment for the next day. We got up early the next morning for the 2.5 hour drive. Chris asked me if I was sure this was the dog, and I told him I knew without a doubt this was MY dog! When we arrived and I saw her in person it was confirmed that this was the dog for us. We had to wait a few more days to bring her home as she needed to be spayed as part of the adoption requirements. Turns out though she had already been spayed. Ha! On February 17th we made the trip back to Wenatchee to pick her up and the rest as they say is history.
We quickly learned that Belle did NOT like other dogs, or anything with four legs really. It’s hard to say why, given we don’t know what the first 10 months of her life were like. When we lived in Boston and I started dog walking and then dog sitting, we were able to properly introduce her to several dogs who became her doggie friends. But any other dog she didn’t know she was ready and willing to throw down with. Fortunately we knew situations to avoid with her and we made do.
Belle was a happy and energetic dog basically her entire life. Her excitement was never ending. She slept in bed with us, under the blankets and usually spooning one of us. For non-dog people she was probably a little overbearing but for us we loved her and her energy. She was a snuggler and a licker. She would give you kisses all day long if you let her. She lived on both coasts, swam in both oceans and travelled everywhere in between. She was a lucky girl, we took her everywhere. Even when the girls were born her place in our family never went away.
Losing her has probably been the hardest on me, although, I know Chris misses her and thinks of her everyday when he goes in the closet and sees her empty bed. She was by my side since day one. When we first moved to Boston and I wasn’t working yet it was just me and her. We spent our days together while Chris was at work. She was my shadow, we did everything together. People who have never had a dog truly don’t understand that connection. The loyalty. The unconditional love. When I was pregnant with the girls it was her laying with me. When the girls were babies and I was up for night feedings it was her sitting up with me. When I went through some really hard times the last few years she was the one next to me every day. Her loyalty never wavered.
Audrey definitely had a harder time than Lauren did. Some of that is likely due to age, and some of it is likely due to the fact Audrey just had a different relationship with Belle. The last few months of Belle’s life Audrey was very attatched to her. Taking every opportunity she could to follow her around and hug her and try to get Belle to play with her. It was really sweet, she really loved her.
I will never understand those who give their pets away when they are no longer that fun energetic cute puppy anymore. They give us literally all they have, the least we can do is care for them as they age. The last year was hard to watch her really slow down. She no longer ran her wind sprints at night. She slept—A LOT—and she lost a lot of weight. Her eyes became cloudy and her hearing was going. But everyday she got up and she ate and she went to the bathroom and she stole food from the girls. Nighttime after the girls went to bed was her time with us. She would wait eagerly for her can of wet food, beg for whatever we were snacking on and then lay on “her” chair while we watched TV. I miss those times. I miss everything about her.
Being that she was 17 years old and likely had cancer, we KNEW her time was coming. In fact the very day she died we had been discussing that maybe it was time to make a decision as to when we would put her down. I thought I was prepared but when I saw her laying on her chair and realized she wasn’t okay it hit me like 50 mack trucks. When I grabbed her and held her in my arms as she was taking her last breaths I was devastated. I knew it was coming but I was not prepared for the immense grief. She gave me so much in the 16 plus years we had her and I am incredibly thankful that I was able to hold her in her final moments in her home surrounded by her family. I am thankful we were able to give her that. There are days I am sad we didn’t get to give her one epic last day full of cheeseburgers and steak and all her favorite things. But I know that alternative would not have allowed her to go on her own terms at home with her family.
We will get another dog someday soon. But she will always have that special place for me. She was my first dog, my best friend, my protector and my first baby. I will love and miss her forever. She stole my heart and a little piece of it will always be broken without her. Dogs don’t get long enough on this earth but they sure make every moment count.
She is free of pain and probably loving the endless treats and toys in Heaven with all her doggie friends that went before her. And I am betting my mum is out walking with her every single day.
I was chatting with a friend this morning about this blog and once again the direction I want for it. When I first started it I thought it would mainly be about life with two young kids. But that never really felt like it was meant to be the sole purpose of this space. I didn’t want to create something that would only resonate with one group of people. Then shortly after I created this space my life took a drastic turn and our family walked through some very hard times and this blog got lost in all of it. Some day I may share that story and where we have been, where we have come to and what we have learned and continue to learn. This isn’t the time for that. For now I am just going to write whatever happens to be on my mind on any given day. Obviously that will include a lot of our adventures with the girls. But at the suggestion of that friend I am going to give you a little get to know me post. A refresher if you will. 10 things you probably don’t (or probably do) know about me.
1. I was born in Scotland! To this day I am still a UK citizen. We moved to Thunder Bay, Ontario on Dec 16, 1980 just a few weeks before my third birthday. Eventually we ended up in Edmonton, Alberta and then Sherwood Park where I grew up.
2. Chris and I met online right before September 11, 2001. I was living in Langley, BC and he was in Seattle. We chatted online and talked on the phone for three months before meeting in person. We officially started dating on January 7th 2002 and the rest as they say is history.
3. My favorite movie is The Princess Bride. I don’t really know why exactly but I have always loved it and can basically quote it word for word.
4. I am a band geek. I started playing the trumpet/cornet when I was around 7 years old. I love Wynton Marsalis and Chris Botti.
5. I have a degenerative eye disease called Keratoconus. I wasn’t diagnosed till I was in my 30’s and fortunately mine is fairly stable. You can learn more about it HERE if you are interested.
6. I lost my mom to cancer in 1996 when I was 18 years old. She was 49.
7. I LOVE to read. My favorite author has long been John Grisham. I love a good courtroom drama or crime story but I will pretty much read anything that has a good story and characters. I am definitely looking to add to my summer reading list so send any suggestions my way.
8. I am a sports nut. Hockey (Edmonton Oilers), baseball (Seattle Mariners) and football (Seattle Seahawks). In that order. I am not your typical female sports fan and I can probably talk most men under the table especially about hockey and baseball. It has always been a secret dream of mine to be a sports writer. I guess it’s not a secret anymore.
9. I am an animal lover of all kinds. The zoo is one of my favorite places. Dogs are by far my favorite animal and I probably like them better than people most days. I am a big believer in dog rescues.
10. I am terrified of heights, elevators and bees!
Your turn, don’t leave me hanging. If you took the time to read this I hope you take the time to leave me a comment and help me get to know you all better!
It has been over a year since I have even opened this blog, wow! So much has changed! The girls are both a year older, our dog died, and now we are in the middle of a pandemic that turned me in to a part time teacher! It has been a year of growth and changes. It is probably time to start writing about some of them.
So here we go, let’s dive back in…
Pandemic! This is something I never could have imagined in my lifetime. A virus waging a war across the world. In a matter of weeks and months everything changed. The biggest change for me on a personal level was that overnight I went from stay at home mom to teacher! I will admit that when this all started happening I was in a complete panic. Audrey had been doing so well at school and I am NOT a teacher. In fact I was a pretty terrible student in my own school days. How was I going to manage keeping her on the learning curve she was on and push her towards success headed in to first grade next year?
I know what some of you are thinking, it’s only kindergarten. But do you realize the growth and development that happens in the kinder year? And on top of that I had another almost four year old to keep engaged and entertained all while trying to keep them both learning. I know not everyone’s experience with remote learning was a good one, but for us it turned out to be a really good experience. After those initial few weeks of panic we settled in to a good rhythm.
I would love to sit here and say it was all me but I was fortunate enough to have teachers in both my kids lives who put in an effort that was above and beyond! Lauren attends a Christian preschool near our house, the same preschool Audrey spent two years at. Her teacher was sure to send out the weekly curriculum they would have been working on each week. Songs, books, videos and crafts. It allowed me to keep Lauren in a routine and feeling like she wasn’t totally missing out. We are so thankful for the efforts to keep them learning and growing.
Audrey’s teacher, there are not enough words to describe how thankful I am for her. She made a hard situation for us all a smooth transition and special for every kid in her class. Audrey had a class Zoom meeting every morning. They had small reading and math groups on Zoom daily. Audrey had one-on-one reading weekly. In the afternoons they would build Legos together, go on scavenger hunts, have epic dance parties, and eat lunch together. All on zoom. This was all on top of the effort put in to daily assignments to keep them reading and learning. In the midst of my stress and anxiety Audrey thrived. I am so proud of her. Lauren would often do assignments alongside Audrey and Mrs. Molony would take the time to send her messages and respond to her work. Like I said, above and beyond.
Nothing will ever replace the in class experience and everything that goes with it. But we made the best of it with amazing teachers in our corner. Who knows what the fall will bring but I feel that I am a little more prepared for whatever happens. Or I am totally kidding myself and before I know it the men in white coats will be coming to pick me up! Stay tuned and stay healthy!
Earlier today Jodie over at Utter Imperfection was talking about a 7 day challenge to not complain. This got me thinking about how much we all complain about the most mundane and irrelevant things on a daily basis. It then led me to thinking about not only complaining but also negativity, specifically self negativity. This may be one of my biggest struggles, it always has been.
You’re not good enough.
You’re fat.
You’re a failure.
If people said these things to us we would most likely remove that negative crap from our lives. I can’t think of a single logical reason why any of us wouldn’t walk away from that type of damaging and toxic person. Yet we allow ourselves to say those very things to ourselves. I know personally I am constantly speaking this negative stuff in to my life. I have struggled with that inner voice winning more times than not. I have convinced myself over and over again throughout my adult life that I wasn’t smart enough to go to college. I am not outgoing enough to be a leader. I am too fat for people to want to be friends with me. Believing these things and so many more lies has held me back. Why do we do this to ourselves? It is really quite ridiculous!
Compliments, don’t even bother. If any of you have ever had the joy of giving me a compliment you have likely recieved a response such as–
are you insane?
are you blind?
no I’m not!
Is a simple thank you really all that hard?
One thing I have become really aware of lately is how much my girls, especially Audrey who is 4 1/2 hears and absorbs the things I say and do. It is up to me to be an example. I don’t want her to pick up these things from me, I don’t want her to grow up thinking of herself and struggling in ways I have. I want my kids to be confident and not let their lives be dictated by fear or not being good enough.
I would like to challenge all of you to commit to POSITIVE self talk for the next month. Lets check in with each other at the end of May, or throughout. Let’s stop letting the lies we tell ourselves outshine the truths others tell us.
Guys, I AM EXHAUSTED! My kids have emptied my tank lately. One day it is non stop fighting and tattling on each other. The next it is listening to absolutely NOTHING I do or say. The next they are bored to death no matter what I give them to do. Then there is Lauren and her nighttime antics. She wakes up angry and inconsolable and inevitably ends up in our bed where her and the dog vie for position as they both hog the blankets and basically push us to the edge where we are holding on for dear life. I. AM. TIRED.
Everyone is always on about how important self-care is. In fact I have a card hanging in my bathroom from my good friend Carly that I keep as a reminder of that.
I put it here so it would be a reminder daily. I have never been great at making time for me. Between cooking meals, doing things with the girls, keeping the house in working order, spending time together as a family and spending time with Chris it’s hard to find time for myself. I need to better at it. At least once a week or for a short time each day. My tank is empty and I need to fill it back up. I need to make time to take care of me so I am able to be present and at my best self for my family.
What does self-care look like to you? How do you find the time?
A few weeks ago, Audrey got to stay home two out of her three mornings that she is normally at school because there was a snowflake (literally…ONE) and everyone–as usual–panicked! In the moment, I was so frustrated because I have been a little exhausted lately. Mostly because of Lauren. Since the day she was born she has basically been attached to my side. That really isn’t an exaggeration. Even as I type this she is sitting at my feet and I am begging her to go play with her sister in their playroom. And not only is she always wanting to be right by my side, she also barely lets daddy do anything for her these days. He tries to help but she yells, “I WANT MOMMA TO DO IT!!” I really don’t get much time to breathe. Thankfully, Audrey is definitely more independent these days and is happy to sit on the couch and watch a movie alone or quietly color or play with her toys.
Those three mornings a week that Audrey is at school is a little bit of a breather for me. Yes, Lauren is home with me but it still gives me just a little bit of quiet. So when I didn’t get that that week it was frustrating and I cursed all of the people in the Portland area who run for their bunkers the second they even hear the word snow.
Fast forward to this morning. Audrey had a field trip to another school to go see what it is like in kindergarten. Chris took her, but while they were gone the reality hit me that my first baby is less than 6 months away from turning 5 years old and starting kindergarten and she will be gone everyday. And yes–before you say it–I KNOW how fast they grow up. I am living it everyday already. She is so excited and she is learning and growing so much everyday.
The realization that this time with her at home most of the week, except those few hours 3 times a week, is coming to an end is making me rethink my attitude from a few weeks ago. I am chosing going forward to enjoy those days and to enjoy the fun-filled summer we have ahead of us. And no I am not one of those enjoy every moment people, because let’s face it, while being a mom is rewarding it is also exhausting and messy. But I do want to embrace and make more of the time we have together on a daily basis.
How do you find some quiet and peace in the midst of the chaos of raising tiny humans?
Fat Mom Fit Mama 